it's always okay somehow

fundamentally

2011-10-29T00:51:00.002+01:00

these are the ingredients that make up my life right now

a stable job in a department i have always wanted to be in doing something i absolutely love and cannot imagine myself doing anything else secured for a minimum 3 years

a gorgeous, well-mannered, pseudo-perfect boyfriend who has hurt me and who i feel like i could never forgive as much as i can forget

attractive, successful friends whom i love and love me, who seem further than 2 blocks away

a beautiful family who are too far away for me to reach for comfort, for reassurance

a nice flat that might be a tad bit too expensive

a healthy-ish bank account, supplemented by a constant paranoia to spend on anything

there is something innately peculiar about that mix, because on the outside everything seems almost perfect yet there is something there that's making me cry tonight.

sinking

2011-07-19T20:01:00.003+01:00

i have this odd feeling at the pit of my stomach saying: yeah you feel that nis? that's the feeling knowing this far ahead that you both might not last these 4/6 weeks.

i want to be a hands off, caring girlfriend, but in spite of him saying he loves me, of everything he's done that suggests otherwise, i am still a wrapped up ball of paranoia. i've never been so scared of losing someone, at the same time i've never been so indifferent either. i know it will break my heart into a million pieces if anything happens to us while he's there, at the same time, i'm also.. already bracing myself for it. something feels different from the last time it's left, the longing is unrequited, and i can't really blame him, and i guess i can't blame me either. i'm just full blown with an inferiority complex at the moment: book prize winner, first class honours, goldman sachs.. fucking hell, can anything else make me feel more insecure? oh right, the fact that he's in NY right now.

i hate myself this way, i stink of distrust and jealousy, and what i've always prided myself in was always to trust someone i've let in unconditionally. this isn't a healthy relationship for me, because for once i've turned into a reacher instead of an equaler. it sounds selfish and vain and egoistic, but for once i feel like i don't have a control over what happens in this relationship and it makes me feel really small.

summer

2011-06-20T23:15:00.003+01:00

rain, and lots of it

books ordered on Amazon

rosetta stone: german level 1-3, with more potentially to come

fresh sketchbook journal

some hesitant job applications

a boyfriend fading in and out

some friends, scattered around london

crunching loneliness

so i'm ready. it wouldn't be the way i choose to celebrate my graduation summer, but sometimes these things need to happen for a new beginning.

why he chooses to lie about his past is beyond me, because the more i find out about it the more i'm worried about how it will be play in our future. his past, just like i am, are girls with feelings and considerations: our shared memories shouldn't be in vain. just like when he said he'd forgotten his number of girlfriends, i can't help but wonder - what would make me to him any different?

men seem to always be typical no matter how much they protest, and that seems a little tragic. but hand on heart, i hope i'll be proven very, very wrong. i like him, and i guess i can afford to give some benefit of the doubt before determining whether this ship sinks or not.

help

2011-06-05T23:14:00.002+01:00

i feel like i'm disintegrating into a million tiny pieces and when finally i realise this can't be good i reach out and try to catch all of me but i can't; i slip past myself through my disappearing fingers and before my bewildered eyes all the hair on my arms are standing why am i in such a bad place right now? what is all this tightening in my chest, i just want to be understood without having to explain myself because it would take too fucking long and i don't want to wait just to be disappointed by you and everyone else leaving while i stand there, wondering what the hell i should be doing with this mess i've made

side note

2011-06-05T22:24:00.002+01:00

have just realised that blogger's put on a stats tab, and it's genuinely amazing to know anyone even reads this blog. this was made with some intention to record my never ending battle with adolescence (even though i'm just about to graduate university) but mainly for therapeutic reasons. writing is the only way i don't lie to myself; which is funny because i find it difficult to lie to everyone else (apparently i have a twitchy face). so many thanks if you follow this, and hi if you've just stopped by by some random click on the internet. do stay and make yourself feel homey.

i just worry

2011-06-05T21:55:00.003+01:00

about the people around me, about their happiness, about how my happiness affects their happiness, and how it seems to be a zero sum game

my engulfing sense of insecurity, made worse by myself and other people

about my emotional well-being; about how incredibly hard i try to break that wall that surrounds me but then stop when i consider how warm and cosy it is in here

about him, about schwarz, how scared i am to lose him already, how i wish i would lose him already before the repercussions get worse and how i absolutely hate how i even think such things

how i never live in right now and always worry about my future self, who worries about my future self, who worries about my future self

about how frustrating it seems to be running in this hamster wheel, ever eager to please, ever eager to want to do good with seemingly no results

feeling incredibly helpless and not at all not lonely.

it's bittersweet

2011-05-29T21:10:00.003+01:00

because i know we're a light that's meant to die. it's bright and blazing now, but it's a matter of letting that flame die, or blowing it out. it makes me really, really sad.

so fragile

2011-05-14T22:17:00.002+01:00

like glass teetering at the edge about to fall over

not quite hitting the floor but

about to

idiosyncratic risk

2011-05-08T14:39:00.001+01:00

blue clothes, teapots on sales, beautiful while lilies that haven't bloomed and thoughts of another girl that won't go away. it me sick, so so sick, even though it happened when we were something but not anything much yet, and while i cried and he held me in his arms telling me how sorry he was and it was all a misunderstanding and how much he needs me i can't help but feel that it was a surreal nightmare and that this isn't actually happening and how we're probably going to ignore that it did. and it precisely felt that way the morning after, even though we both immediately acted like its okay it's actually not, even though it happened when we weren't anything yet but we were something, and i feel like i've been diminished to something even smaller and that makes me extremely insecure. the thought of thinking of another man the way he thought of another girl at that moment in time is absolutely inconceivable to me, because i thought we were something more. even when we weren't much. so who's dependent on who now? being with him that night i felt like he shattered and barely recovered; but i shattered and lost some parts, it might be awhile before i gain my original shape again. it made me realise how deep i'm actually in, and how this has always been the reason why it had always been at arm's length. i don't know how to say this all to him.

as of 8th March

2011-03-10T22:06:00.003Z

i am somebody's girlfriend. he knows it, i know it: i feel weird and uncomfortable and not at all not apprehensive. going into a relationship should feel natural and exhilarating i think; i just feel like i put on a shirt 2 sizes too small. did it move too quickly? probably. i kinda want to be with him but the idea of being somebody's something makes me feel possessed, and i hate that more than anything really.

being with him makes me feel like i'm in a romantic comedy, he is just so nice that it feels unreal sometimes. when we're together he says all these things that flatter and fluster me at the same time. it's been so long that i've been so outwardly appreciated like this, i guess it's a matter of getting used to it. i do want to be with him, and sometimes i feel like we don't have to label what we already have because what we have won't change regardless of the labelling, and his reasoning as to why we should progress doesn't quite make sense to me - he'll be important to me even if i don't call him my boyfriend. but okay, no loss from trying.

anyway, dance show is next week and i'm super excited! it will be pretty epic - i'm in 6 acts and they're all good except for a questionable cabaret. murakami's norwegian wood film adaptation is out tomorrow and i really want to see it - connelly's lincoln lawyer's coming out soon too! AND his new book's coming out in april. i'm being absolutely spoiled with booksy type things, have just finished reading American Psycho and going on to a michael lewis book soonish. uni work? what?

with some heavy boots

2011-03-01T19:25:00.002Z

once upon a time this blog was all about me. now it's all about other people. i can't decide if that's just me being less selfish, less self-centred or the universe has stopped spinning around me, or the fact that i'm losing bits of myself while devoting myself to others. it makes me so sad. i used to be so naive, but i seemed to be so much happier.

this is why i get depressed at birthdays. it's completely rationale, thx.

new and old beginnings

2011-02-27T21:18:00.003Z

it's a tired song but i sing it, because at one point in my life it was my favourite song. when i left i reeked of him, i could consciously smell him on my clothes and even after i took them off. i'm on to better things now, better friends, better people, but when i think of how his hand was on my hip, pulling me against him when we were watching TV i get a little wistful. the worst part is, i don't think he knows anything's changed. i have and i've left him behind i think, but i miss him sometimes because he made me feel like we fit together; lock and key.

this week

2011-02-14T23:47:00.002Z

monday: class 10 - 11, 12 - 2, dance 5 - 9.30

tuesday: lecture 2 - 3, dance 3 - 4.30

wednesday: dance 3 - 5.30, 6.30 - 7.45, malam bakti 7 - ?

thursday: lecture 4.30 - 7, dance 3.30 - 6, maroon 5 7 - ?

friday: class 9 - 10, 10 - 12, 1 - 2, 3 - 4, flight to edinburgh. staying overnight, probably a mildly crazy night out

saturday: edinburgh dance competition. general jazz and contemporary, flight back in the evening

guess what my life revolves around at the moment? no? dance, studying, and a surprising little element that i saw coming and couldn't have stopped it from coming.

i am a joke

2011-02-09T23:03:00.001Z

ha ha. i can end this now or this can drag on to my misery

edinburgh next week for the dance competition. getting all nice and close to the team mates, tres excited about it and the show in march!! if you're a friend and value our friendship at all, must come.

there's something burning up inside

2011-01-31T09:26:00.002Z

i reach out for you and out hearts collide
heart on fire i reach out for you tonight

have you been in my room?

2011-01-30T00:41:00.003Z

its a mess in here, but the bed feels sooo good. too much dance that i feel like i'm sick of it but i'm not really. bloaty and worried about fitting into stuff. need to find dresses for: tuesday night (elyn's birthday), wednesday night (timeless after party) and ??? night (nice fancy date with a boy i'm not entirely sure of but willing to take me out to nice places and do fun innocent things who i've been exceedingly honest to). i have the most preliminary of an offer from a firm i vowed to never join (audit firm) doing something i love (corporate finance) in a specific area i'm not feeling (public-private partnership) but i really want it so fingers crossed for the finalest of interview on wednesday (yes, timeless day). i have so little money it's terrifying, and i'm spending at a rate previously unknown to me but i potentially have so little time left in london that i might as well enjoy it in the most material sense. i have come to peace with ed and wish him all the best (never really wanted his baggage anyway, i guess things do happen for a reason) but i still do kind of miss him. all in all, very good week indeed. i guess i might have the slightest bit of problems when it comes to boys, but this time i'm taking it very slow, very measured, on my terms and doing the simplest thing i know to do: getting to know someone but this time showing them my crazy side as i do it.

"i don't think i know you anymore."
"yeah me neither. wtf."

answer: this

2011-01-18T21:39:00.002Z

ahhh this is what growing up feels like. making mistakes over and over and over again (x1000) and finally figuring it all out.

i messed things up with edmund. i'd say if we had to make a split it's be about 7:3 with the larger bit going to me. sure, he could've been more understanding, tried a little bit harder, maybe not have taken me so much for granted, but given that it wasn't a relationship and it wasn't serious i couldn't have expected him to. come on nissy, you're a big girl. well i wasn't before, and now i'm coming around to it.

reading my back posts make me cringe so much. i thought i was so tough, so opaque. i'm not. i'm a human being with knots of feelings that need to be unraveled, regardless of how much i try to ignore it or keep it inside. the thing is that i crave understanding those feelings and can't necessarily do that on my own. sure it doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes but it doesn't really make me any more alien than the next vagina. it makes me a completely normal vagina (see: euphemism for crazy whack girl).

i was so sad, so upset after the things he told me on sunday night. but he is right, i am so emotionally challenged that i spaz out at the simplest of emotions and keep everything from him. the only emotion i can only ever show clearly was sadness: only because crying is a bodily feedback that can't fight because its exhausting.

i only know this now because i've lost. i've lost because i wanted someone more than they've wanted me. with nash it never hit me as clearly or as hard because i was the one who left. we both left it, but i left him quicker than he did. it's all because i loved him at arms length. i was kidding myself when i thought i let him in: i didn't, and i didn't for ed either. nash took it, ed definitely did not. and that's what i needed, a big fucking slap in my face to wake me up from my superficial definition of a relationship.

last summer was amazing for so many things, but the spark i felt with ed was different because... it was just purely different. i felt with him i could grow, that he could take me out of my shell. to put all your hope into one person is a responsibility that no one should ever bear, and i made that massive mistake in thinking he could change me. he could not. nobody else could. only i can. jesus, it took that long for me to realise that?

so no more toe dipping, i suppose. i'm a grown up now.

this thing with ed is just washed with sadness. we agreed no more intimate dates, just basic ones so we can step away from it and take a breather. we were getting into the space where words were running out and all that's left was frustrated emotions. basically what happened with me and the ex. he and i won't go anywhere, or so that's how it feels now. in all probability it will fade or waste away into civil politeness and a check up once in a fortnight. and i guess that's okay. he's all passion and intensity and impatience, i loved that so much about him but in the end we probably didn't fit very well. if i could redo my year again, i'd have start with him fresh and honest.

but i feel... different. looking at myself now, i know if i keep this up one relationship after another will keep going down the drain this way. i want to fix myself, i want to be angry and unreasonable and petty, and i want someone else to be like that to me. i want to finally be the person lurking underneath all these chains. i've never denied how vibrant my emotions are, and this is pretty much a good chance to let myself feel them. it's the new year, when better? besides, it's never too late to change for the better.

bloody nov 20th?

2011-01-12T21:03:00.002Z

sigh. i have a bad feeling about tomorrow, it just feels like it's all coming to a head and i'll be waking up from a dream. not a great one, just a pleasant one. but how exactly do i deal with it if i'm not even entirely sure what i want out of all of this?

and where the hell are all these bruises coming from?
why haven't i been able to sleep well?

i'm so confused. things seemed pretty great about 5 days ago, and now it's like i stumbled into a different perspective and suddenly it doesn't seem so great. darling nis, what exactly do you want?

now now

2010-11-20T15:48:00.003Z

that stab through the heart, that took me by surprise.

ILL AGAIN, 2nd time in 3 weeks, my body fails. of all weeks, during the week that had 2 essays due (i had to ask for an extension!!) and i skipped 3 classes (out of 4) and missed 2 lectures. i feel like an academic deviant. currently working on one of the essay due on Monday, the other's only due next Friday thanks to a wheedling on my part on Mr. Picking. seems like it will be quite a waffle of an essay, hopefully i can finish this by tomorrow so i can ch-check out winter wonderland and finally play out the romance in my head with him.

job apps are going okay. BCG and Oliver Wyman first rounds, Deloitte final round, PWC assessment center to be confirmed (i REALLY hope the interviewer wasn't pulling my leg! i thought it went way too well!) which is my ultimate dream training contract. if i can get PwC i will be sorted. i would promptly withdraw from everything else. corporate finance, lets go! corporate tax M&A sounds painful but i guess all else considered... at least it's not audit. PwC's office is absolutely rockin' too.

will be busy next few weeks, homework and assignments due in (3rd year is serious business) and the interview prep. let's see if the juggling kills me.... metaphorically.

i lied

2010-11-14T23:43:00.002Z

it wasn't the first that came to mind, used was. oh hello vulnerability, did you just see a side of him that you absolutely disliked too? i feel almost sickened.

getting there

2010-11-07T13:42:00.001Z

----------------

)

but hopefully not any quicker than he is. yes, HELLO fickle!

oh what's the fucking point

2010-10-25T18:00:00.002+01:00

i played it wrong, but he played it back equally as wrong. all it took was him saying "no", not "you can do whatever you like, darling". i would've taken it all back if he had hesitated, even just a tiny bit, but now i just might have to reconsider my entire position. i watched him when i led him down that road half-hoping that well, he'd resist. i was fine seeing where this little game goes.. evidently, nowhere.

balance

2010-10-24T23:08:00.001+01:00

nobody gets under my skin without promptly getting kicked out. sorry, not for rent or for sale.

i am very hungry, my hormones are off balance i think and i've been dancing approx 10 hours a week and doing quite alright. this morning i noticed a bone was starting to show right under the extension of my collar bone on my shoulder; i think my terrible body image will eat me like a virus. must think less about losing weight.

i'm waiting for a call and i'm a bit worried about how that will turn out. deloitte also has fucked up the dates on my application; only oliver wyman's gotten back to me and i still haven't done that PwC test. procrastinating is bad.

people are drifting away. i feel like i've done something wrong but i can't put my finger on it?

uni has been fun and dance society has been fun too, part of the committee so i get all my dance classes free; in charge of contemp and jazz and it's great. sup's cute and he's an amazing teacher, it can only be topped off with the fact that's he's also gay. SAD FACE

timetable's alright, 3 hours on mon, 1 hr on tues, free wednesday, 2.5 hrs on thurs and 5 hrs on friday. the bunching up towards friday is madnessss, i get so stressed towards the weekend which is weird.

poor F has gotten fucked over. primarily why my faith in the male population has plummeted to near 0. it's a pity, boys can be so nice sometimes and girls need them so much. but it's leverage, and i guess that's why people get mistreated so much. world is unfair, isn't it? goddamn i'm hungry.

previously i never called it solitude

2010-10-15T23:22:00.002+01:00

i am in a bad, bad way; i need to let it out because it's a bubble in my chest that's making it hard to breathe but it won't pop. it's a pressure that's making me extremely sad and extremely lonely and i want to either shrink it or burst it, but i don't know how and i honestly feel so so alone, but i'm not exactly alone because i have so many friends and they will help me if i ask but i don't want to ask, there's so many unhappy things in the world why should i share another one? i don't exactly know what's wrong with me but all i know is that i think i need some time out; from being nice, from boys, from the tasks at hand, from thinking about serious things like my impending adulthood realities. i think i may paradoxically need more time alone and just do the most basic functions: eat, sleep, breathe, do the necessary stuff, keep it to the important stuff, put my feelings on reset. since february there is this guilt that i've avoided facing, i'm not happy with who i am at all, why do keep continuing being this way by choice? the truth is that there are all these people and things i keep exploiting to escape from healing completely, it's like a denial drug i keep taking to function. it's so toxic, i want it to stop and feel like an irrational, petty, normal human being; i want to be angry and be sad and be absolutely hysterical without thinking about it too much; i don't want to sit in front of my computer writing down my feelings and feeling hollow, wanting to cry but not being able to.

fidelity

2010-10-14T13:44:00.002+01:00

i never love nobody fully

always one foot on the ground

and by protecting my heart truly

i got lost

in the sounds

i hear in my mind all of these voices

i hear in my mind all of these words

i hear in my mind all of this music

and it breaks my heart

agh!!

2010-10-06T01:06:00.004+01:00

i think i'm just currently annoyed how once again, against my best intentions, against my best efforts, a boy has successfully made his way under my skin and pushed all my buttons. hate hate hate hate hate.

but:

2010-10-06T00:16:00.003+01:00

i guess there's a reason i've never felt compelled to get back into the game so quickly after i've left it. boys are just a huge amount of trouble, and taking one (1) on as a full time relationship is simply too taxing. it's so much easier dealing with one / more of them at an arm's length; and a distance far enough not to take any responsibility. that makes me: immature, childish, and incredibly impatient, but so what? i just know how to make it less complicated.

plexiglass

2010-10-05T23:52:00.004+01:00

i feel as close to ducky as i possibly can to a human being through a film; i magnify him, breathe him in, touch his edges, but i can leave him without hesitating. what does that make me? why do i feel like i need him so much but can dismiss him so quickly the moment he goes missing? more importantly, why do i want so much the freedom to be with other people, when i actually don't even want other people?

i'm starting to think that i just enjoy toying with people.

darling, i can see right through you

2010-09-16T16:56:00.002+01:00

people are a lot more transparent than they realise. if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

not ideal

2010-09-16T15:50:00.001+01:00

if i could choose to do things differently, i wouldn't change a thing.

sure i wish i could have happier resolutions, hurt less people, be a better person. sometimes i wish that things could just happen, that i could change to fit the situation. at times i find myself staring at B and wishing that i could just like him, because he's a lovely person and us liking each other would mean i'll be taken care of and both of us might be happier. when i'm in the midst of trouble i wonder why i chose to make it so difficult when it could actually be so easy.

sometimes it's not the circumstances that shape us; and we don't always make a conscious decision to be the way we are. i can't explain why i am the way i am, how effortlessly i can make things that matter to not matter anymore. it's not easy and it's not pain-free, but it's what i think is healthy for me in the long term. F says i'm heartless and ice cold. i think i'm just efficient.

efficiency. long, draggy break ups are inefficient. wasting away pining for something that won't happen is inefficient. letting yourself sink into the depths of what-ifs is extremely inefficient.

yes, i let myself dream once in awhile. things always seem nicer if i was more patient/understanding/forgiving, but the reality is that i'm not. i can dangle a carrot and hope that it gets bitten, but i've never been disappointed (albeit more than temporarily, i.e. 15 mins) if it goes unnoticed. life continues, clock ticks, i move on. at this point, a lot of things are behind me, and more will be following. it's the only way i can ascertain my future; i have to move the crap out of the way to let the good stuff find me. and if i happened to mis-compartmentalise*, i can only hope i'll be rewarded for my efforts.

*very long word

fishy

2010-09-02T08:36:00.000+01:00

sweet nonchalance

2010-08-28T17:48:00.004+01:00

would be nice to sleep next to you for a night, yes.

hello, this is an awkward follow up text

2010-08-28T17:34:00.005+01:00

a remedy to any kind of situations that i feel these emotions: excitement, desperation, disappointment and panic. and happiness.

i often lose grip on a white noise situation when it's underway. i float through it, watching it like an out of body experience. it's usually because all my senses are being stimulated beyond comprehension that my brain struggles to get attention. it goes "hello, i'm here! listen to me!" but a combination of mixed feelings and a desire to fulfill delusional fantasies usually drowns it out.

the situation ends, i end up zombified, stumble around blindly in the dark (literally and metaphorically) and reach for sleep. but between the last 2 a moment of clarity starts and i reach for my phone. in the height of my happiness/desperation/panic/disappointment, there's a desire to fix something. the moment has passed, the conclusion's been made, but i'd like something about it to linger. i'm just addicted to feeling overdriven, being pushed to the edge of my limits. so i text. and i hesitate. but i push send.

and just like that, i push it further down the spiral. it usually never results in a great response, if ever there's a response. granted, texting isn't great but it's the nu-age version of meaningful communication nowadays, no? like calls, but you can choose to hear it out before choosing to ignore it. and it's usually easier to do just that.

last night i did something regrettable with a former colleague of the office. faults on both our sides, maybe more so his than mine. not deflecting blame, i know that whatever went down was wrong because i don't believe in hedonism, i believe in karma. and i do believe karma will bite me in the ass rather sooner than later, and i don't think any of the payoffs from last night was worth it. i wouldn't wish that kind of thing on anyone, lest anyone from my gender so i know the best decision i've made in my newly adult life was to say no.

but again, when the rush left me i wanted more, and i wanted options. i didn't, though, because he wasn't, and i don't think will ever be, worth it. so the phone goes unblinking, and the text remains unsent, but the desire.. oh man.

i don't think that it's me wanting any semblance of a normal relationship with anyone anymore, romantically or platonically. it's me wanting my selfish little pleasures, and when that's done with i can say yep, that's done. i've had enough.

and for a minute there i lost myself, i lost myself..

when will my hair dry?

2010-08-15T17:37:00.002+01:00

hopefully before 1 a.m/when the match is over/my head stops spinning/my ankle stops itching/torres scores a goal/i stop missing things/i get sleepy/i get inspired. well, that seems like it might take some time.

on that other note

2010-08-15T17:24:00.002+01:00

the lighter one. yes. the required summer update. god, i really need to write more often.

this is my life:

work. loving private equity at the moment, thoroughly enjoyable dirty intern work, so it should be funner when i move on to the real stuff no?! the amount of responsibility they've given me is pretty awesome since it is a srs business firm. though still sort of low level dirty work, but anything is better than nothing (see: securities commission last summer). eye candy is still a pleasure to peek at through the cubicles, though he's leaving next week so that's 3 weeks of lonesome work for me.. i'm more terrified at the thought of being picked out than not having company tbh. we shall see how it goes. indeed. also, payday next week (chk chk chk apparently those are the phonetic words for !!!) and i'd love to get a deferred job offer from the firm. dreams.

family. feeling like a right jerk for not helping out the family in the moving, but mum doesn't really need my help for anything and the boys are the important ones to move heavy stuff (equality? i've said nothing of the sort!). mum's stressed out with the house, i guess my role has been her nagging, whining outlet (which i'm perfectly fine with as long as i don't have to shift stuff) and sort of her chaffeur when it comes to matters of the house. i'd like to feel like i'm contributing something to make myself feel a little less guilty, hopefully the house sorts itself out.

friends. saw Kml just now and a bunch of high school people i haven't seen for donkey ages for break fast (that's going well too!), some rather hilarious moments (terawih is sunat, kaz!) and a near rip off by Nandos via a 10 meal bill for 8 people. as the accountant however, i sorted it right out with the manager (slight exaggeration, i didn't even notice the error.. though i did work out on the calculator) and a happy night was had by all. also, i temporarily house 2 agitated sugargliders in my room and nervously shut the door as they squealed away in their little cages. not my choice of house pets, but what can i say? some people like cats, others like flying little monkey-squirrels. other than that i'm regrettably not seeing as many people as i'd like to, and not being as great of a friend as i'd like. i'm working to rectify that without pissing my parents off, because grip = vicey.

well i can't really think of any other angles besides those 3. i'm thinking of starting my own index - the NCFI (Nis Composite Fat Index, maybe i should stick in an FTSE in front) comprising of 3 major market movers.. mainly the numbers on my scale, the tightness of my jeans and my mother's critical words (the most recent being that i'm "big built"). i'm not too worried, i've been in the gym loads and it is fasting month, plus my hips still have a little bit of angle in them (3 weeks ago it was all happy hills baby!). hopefully i won't get back to london with my customary summer chubbs.

also, just in case i forget:

- care package back to London,

- US visa,

- pretty non-blue clothes, because i have wayyyy too many blue things,

- a facial,

- Oakley sunnies? hmm.

alright, that's long enough! be back in a month. or less hopefully.

xx nis.

foraying into a dark space

2010-08-15T08:21:00.000+01:00

the thing about being single is that you can so often fool yourself into believing how incredibly happy you are being alone, how ridiculous everyone else for being tied down, and how arrogantly superior you feel with your freedom. then once in awhile, reflecting on some little event that seemed amusing, my chest tightens, the oddest wash of feelings goes over me, and just like that it disappears. the most recent happened when i was thinking of the midnight movie i watched last night with my intern friend, who brought (among other things) his laptop and a bottle of wine with wine glasses which i thought was endearing and bordering a little bit on alcoholism. it doesn't help that he's nice and sweet but incredibly taken, and there i was sitting throughout the movie thinking "wow, platonic friendships do NOT work".

the thought immediately left me when i got home (me, disbelieving in platonic friendships? jokes!). but the feeling lingered, and i thought of how during the (terrible, terible) movie i briefly entertained thoughts of reaching over to touch his hand or leaning my head against him. wow, danger zone. i've always thought i would never cross that line, but face it enough and the line seems to shape shift. it thins, or it dashes, you see little gaps of opportunity, and you get tempted.

loneliness makes you do silly things. you grasp at straws, pick out signals that don't exist, look out for opportunities that aren't really opportunities. to be fair, if i hadn't met this guy this probably wouldn't be playing in my mind. but in my short span of singleness i haven't met anyone i've liked enough who's taken, and it raises some pretty interesting questions about the kind of person i am. still learning, yes?

hmm. not really a moral dilemma i've faced before. asking for trouble? i'm definitely staying away from this guy.

we are all separated by glass in my world

2010-07-15T18:25:00.002+01:00

with utter clarity:

"please."

the grass was flat from the weight of the people before us, there was a sheet of paper with some random spanish ramblings that he picked up earlier and handed to me (which i absently carried with me), and there was a gay couple having a picnic with champagne. there was a (straight) couple behind us making out full on, and a few times we caught the guy's eyes as he's manhandling his (assumed) girlfriend. ducky smiled at him and waved at one point.

we were lying on the grass, a pretty perfect Saturday: crepes, football, and the park. i had my 50's birthday dress on, he had on shorts that didn't fall to his knees. the sun was scorching, and i had to coax him to sit in the shade.

"why does this bother you so much? why does it matter?"

"because these kind of things keeps us from getting closer. i'm not making this an issue, you are."

i spent the next hour or so trying to convince myself and him that no, it's not me doing it, it's my in built self preservation reflex and that i'll get better, he just has to give me time. but he's pushy and so willing to expose himself, and i feel under attack. it may be different this time, but it probably won't.

trying to write out my block

2010-07-14T07:30:00.001+01:00

right now i'm waiting on a couple of things, like a phone call from ncap to confirm my exorbitantly high internship salary (spazz spazz), a message from the duckies i occasionally miss and think about when i'm driving, emails from the girls who seem to be having more fun than i am, the release of my results that's making me want to hyperventilate. i suppose out of all of those the one i'm hoping for most is the second and the last, they seem to matter the most and while the last is rightly justified, the second just seem a little hopeless and lost causey. are they thinking of me, at some point of the day, like i do of them? do they replay scenes in their heads, happy ones in the park where the sun is shining and the wind having a tad bit of a bite, or have they blocked them out altogether?

other than that, i don't think i have anything else playing in my mind. i miss london a lot, and i miss ducky, and i miss my friends and how easygoing life seemed to be when it was just me and the empty flat and the ridiculously hot sun. i miss the parks and my white bed, and i miss ducky's house and cat. i miss the way the sun slanted into my room, irritatingly waking me up every single day at 6.30 in the morning, and how i'd wake up and make toast and tea, and read FT thinking how incredibly grown up this feels. i come home and breathe a sigh of relief because my family is well and although the new house kinda sucks and i'm getting sinusy from my cats, everything is where it's supposed to be. the loneliness i've left in that box that's undeniably rooted in kuala lumpur, malaysia creeps back, and it makes me feel better because i know inspiration is coming.

i am lilac

2010-06-08T11:32:00.002+01:00

because i'm not completely blue, not completely grey, but a combination of those colours added on top of my usual hue.

i respectfully withdraw previous statements

2010-06-05T21:10:00.003+01:00

i think i might actually miss him when he leaves. don't know if it's my hormones being wonky on me, but when he spun me on the pavement for a surprise kiss it felt really familiar and tender and final. i guess when you've seen each other for this amount of time, the affection's going to make you a little attached. i'll miss him, and i might be a little grey when we part, but it'll all get back to normal again. it always does.

twist!

2010-06-03T08:41:00.002+01:00

the before post isn't about a man; hence ambiguity. don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, eh?

MA201 in approx 1 hours 15 mins. bring it, lin alg!

ambiguity

2010-06-02T14:00:00.000+01:00

i can't sleep when he's around, or rather i'm always half awake when he's sharing my bed. it's odd though, he's so quiet when he sleeps its like he's not even there; then a slight movement and his arm is around my waist. it feels comfortable then it feels heavy, then we shift again to try and make it right. throughout the night he tugs the blanket away from me, and i lay there flat on my stomach wishing that he wasn't there. then in the morning at the slightest light of the morning sun he's gone and i wistfully wish i could rewind the night. all i'm left with is the smell of him on my pillow.

4 hours later i don't even think about him anymore. he's a passing pleasant dream i forget when i wake up; a breath of cold air i somehow inhaled and release as warm carbon dioxide. in the end, i might have a vague recollection but the details will escape me.

edmund;

2010-06-01T21:24:00.003+01:00

those 2 and a half hours flew by.

au revoir, ship

2010-05-30T14:59:00.002+01:00

also, bjerre makes me want to tear my hair out. he really is a piece of work, one and a half more weeks and we can bid fare thee well. been fun boy, but not necessarily worth it.

pulled them out they weren't beating, and we weren't even bleeding

2010-05-30T14:26:00.002+01:00

i smell new blood and opportunity. this may turn out to be something to fill out 2 weeks of london summer gapsville.

also, last night i had a dream that they cut my heart out and i was still alive and functioning normally. i blame this on Regina Spektor, but i thought it was pretty symbolic anyway.

exams ending in a weeeek.

anger at human ignorance

2010-05-26T15:44:00.003+01:00

your virginity is not a physical concept as so many young women believe. it's not a hymen intact, it's not a delicate piece of skin to be saved. it's your abstinence; you lose it when a penis goes into your vagina. so no, not a tampon, not fingers, not a dildo, not anything but a penis. christ, why are people so stupid? it pisses me off so much.

not quite within touching distance

2010-05-20T08:29:00.003+01:00

i've never felt so close to god as i did last night. if only i could will myself to feel that calm again.

500 days of summer

2010-05-17T15:11:00.002+01:00

thinking of F's exploits and exploitation and of (some) men and their heartlessness and penises, i can't help but think that if i had to choose, i'd pick to be Summer over Tom. everytime.

stripey

2010-05-16T12:23:00.002+01:00

he meant it. he actually brought his books. and his pyjamas. it felt like a sleepover at MyR's place when i was 10, when we'd pretend to study and do work before huddling under the covers to tell random fantastical stories about mermaids and sailormoon.

while i watched him (with great amusement) he flipped it open and started studying, in the weak morning light with the curtains closed. i switched the side light on and he switched it off because 'he didn't like it'. like a petulant child. much like the way he described about how he didn't like his legs sticking together when he's sleeping without his PJ pants on.

i found it all incredibly funny and endearing, only because this was a 24 year old man who was bringing his PJs around in a sling. eh. quite a character, this boy.

just a few more days before exams start! while i'm not incredibly excited, i'm just hoping that it comes and ends quickly because i'm thinking of some awesome plans. there's Amsterdam, and then there's Lake District, and maybe even disneylanddd. really feel like revisiting my childhood again. after all, that trip made me want to study in London.. all those prefixed childhood fantasies of a glamorous education away from home. sort of came true, in some sense.

be kind to me, or treat me mean

2010-05-12T22:58:00.000+01:00

i'll make the most of it, i'm am an extraordinary machine!

i used to be so in love

2010-05-10T22:52:00.001+01:00

i think i may have started moving on; all the pictures i see of us don't make me angry/sad/empty anymore. it just makes me feel like wow, i had such an amazing time and amazing guy and he made me feel so special. couldn't have asked for a better first love.

bittersweet would be the flavour i'm tasting. in equal amounts.

(never listen to beatles and look at old pictures because it makes you feel ancient)

innosense and easy times

2010-05-09T11:33:00.004+01:00

"i feel so cheap. you're using me!"

"errrr... i'm not using you." cue defensive boy melting tactics that worked for approximately 20 seconds.

it's amazing how quickly one of the lowest points of my life flipped around. turning 21 on that fateful 18th, losing what felt like my last bits of sanity on the 20th, and regaining back a warm shoulder and an awkwardly understanding boy on the 25th. everything moved like clockwork; it was as if all the things that went wrong just slid back into place. within a week everything was right again, and even though i'm slightly ill and unbearably stressed i now feel more like myself than ever.

of course, people'd stop and ask if you can ever feel like anyone but yourself; but if you can imagine the hell of a low i felt at my birthday you can understand why i felt like i was disappearing. tres dramatica? idk. whatever i felt that week was beyond my previous comprehension of darkness.

but on that 25th; a cool Sunday with the sun straining against the clouds, we spent the day lying on the grass contemplating us. i'm still not entirely sure how he feels about me, but when he put his hand on mine and kissed my forehead i thought that hey, this isn't the most ideal situation but this is a pretty decent run. you don't have to dive into the deep end of the pool; i don't need the intensity and the usual pace that i've grown used to. i don't have a steady half; but i have a calming presence and some easy smiles from an attractive boy that i've grown affectionate to. i have lovely family and friends. i'm where i want to be. i've lost a bit (or a lot) of innocence, but i've gained a lot of understanding about the kind of person i am. and ultimately, that's what turning a number should symbolise right? you reach a conclusion to a year's worth of learning, and start from point zero again.

the world is my oyster, and i am the grain of sand that turns into a pearl. there'll be loads of roughing up to be done before i get there, and hopefully i'll get there. and if i don't, at least i've had an amazing time trying.

repost

2010-04-19T21:13:00.002+01:00

because this is exactly how i feel.

Nervous, I know

and I saw you running

It seems everywhere you go

in the wooden floors of my house

They're out to get you

in a way I couldn't see you

And then you regret

and they're not safe buildings

Should have stayed at home in bed

when the walls are out of focus

Nervous instead

and I wish that I could save you

Each time

21

2010-04-16T09:28:00.001+01:00

not quite yet, but getting there.

and the glass

2010-04-13T21:04:00.004+01:00

hi, i'm twice colored

wait till you see

i made a truce with the blackness dyer

i know

colors wait for you

i feel so carsick and alone.

156&insomniatic

2010-04-03T01:49:00.000+01:00

i need to stop doing this at night, because when i close my eyes i feel like i'm falling into an endless space and i get incredibly lonely. i don't know what i'm missing and i don't know what i can do to fill that vacuum.

in a big big way i am really small i get off my feet but i am still distant

2010-04-02T23:50:00.005+01:00

people ask me all the time what my deal with ducks are. i don't have a deal. but being outdoors with the wind against my face, the sun straining against the drizzly clouds, music drowning out my thoughts and no one to annoy the hell out of me except for the ducks and strangers (who usually don't tend to annoy other strangers anyway) just has to be my form of escape. when i take my trips, i don't think of anything. absolutely nothing at all. my mind is blank, i feel nothing but maybe a little sadness, and my only aim in life at that moment is to reach out and toss that little piece of bread into the lake, where little duckies crowd towards me and make me feel like i matter in this small secluded world.

restless

2010-04-02T00:59:00.001+01:00

have been tossing and turning in bed for almost an hour now. i'm pretty sure i'm actually exhausted, in spite of the huge waste of a jazz class i went to (any exercise is better than no exercise, so whatev) but i can't seem to sleep. i just keep thinking.

so monday night turned out okay. dinner with the colleagues was fun (and expensive! thank you corporate credit card) and then i headed over to holborn to see bjerre. it didn't turn out as bad as i thought it would, if anything my imagination went pretty wild on that one. it was nothing. it was basically 2 friends but i read too much going into it. plus my wonky friends didn't help.

it did turn out to be a madly confusing night still. bjerre said some things that i could see right through, no matter how much i wished it was opaque, or at least a little less transparent. repercussions were ringing in my ears and i couldn't ignore it. it's something in built, a reflex, and it would take a lot of work to unravel that ball of fluff.

so we were in disagreement, but he ultimately understood. he was incredibly tender afterwards and went out of his way to put all the pieces back to its place. he's sweet, but i still can't tell if that's really him or the puppet he puts out for me. the more time i spend with him the less i think he's an asshole, but the more i think he's fucked up. like me, but with a lot less tact.

after the break up, i've started developing a problem: emotional compartmentalising. i'm starting to separate my less primitive feelings from my more complicated ones, which to me isn't very normal. i can recognise things like anger, jealousy and lust very easily, but i can't seem to recognise the white noises. i just isolate the easy feelings and focus on them, which is why it's easy for me to face people like bjerre. the lines are drawn, and i'm detachable.

it's not normal because if you're human, your emotions shouldn't ever be in clarity. they should be confusing and despairing and consume you. if you love, you don't know exactly how it should feel like, that's why you can't ever describe it. you just feel overwhelmed, in a good way. i just feel like i have some neatly arranged drawers and whenever i feel something a drawer slides out. when it passes it closes. when i feel white noise, i just shut down and don't deal with it. not because i don't want to, i just can't sort it out.

speaking of white noise. a ghost popped up recently and said hello, which happened when i wasn't around. i didn't leave a reply or the sort, because i just don't want to. i'm still healing, which i guess means that i'm sort of broken. i'm sorry, it's just for the best. my best, at least. it's just how i dysfuction.

now this ship with bjerre, it's sprung a leak. i'm interested in seeing whether it can be plugged. not that i care too much if it sinks anyway, too much crap on my plate to deal with. also, i'm convinced that the love of my life would be someone who can lie in bed with me and listen to Mew. amazing music, and that would be an amazing moment.

awkward

2010-03-28T21:49:00.003+01:00

is me in the library trying very, very hard to keep my head down and look busy. avoid eye contact. ignore texts. be incredibly serious. except when i'm dancing between the bookshelves for the girls.

is potentially tomorrow night at drinks. eep. no idea how things can't be weird. vin says guys are straightforward. they probably are, but the whole idea's still incredibly bizarre.

not awkward is a future colleague being here and us meeting up for some dinner and some fuuun!

vienna was amazing btw. that is all.

this song makes me want to fly

2010-03-15T09:18:00.001Z

I saved myself

For someone

Somewhere's sweet caress

Something goes wrong

And all I sought was happiness

after the storm

2010-03-13T22:28:00.003Z

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see what you find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

pretty, delicate things

2010-03-13T15:07:00.001Z

i've succumbed to more desires. think of it in any way you want, but i've bought more lingerie being single than i ever have when i was with a guy. 5 new panties and a bra, totally loving it.

threshold

2010-03-13T11:27:00.002Z

is definitely 4. i got so happy to the point that i was a little dizzy, then when i stumbled home and took a shower i just drank loads of water and hoped i didn't have feel sick the next day. so, so fun though.

horse eating my flowers; disco cube in the middle of the room

2010-03-12T22:01:00.000Z

guitar playin', singin' and dancin', cuppa tea? this reminds me of the night when things were going really well, and there was some guitar, some bad singing and a lot of honest talking between two individuals who's been really, really damaged.

i think that's one of those fluke nights, where things go perfect then the spark dissipates and never appears again. you live the moment and only realise how awesome it was when you're walking home alone in the night, earphones stuffed firmly in both ears, listening to the saddest song imaginable.

curl

2010-03-11T23:33:00.000Z

the left side of my fringe has developed the oddest little curl. it won't go away :(

the past day:

- photoshooting with elyn in Farringdon and viewing the most expensive set of pictures of ourselves. 7 pounds for hair and make up with mac? fun tiiiimes.
- rushing to the library and almost falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion. aimran said i looked like an owl. i told him, hey wanna hear a joke? your face! nah i'm kidding, not that mean. and he's got a nice face... ish.
- having faux (london's version) thai food, lemon green tea, watching snatch and thinking how incredible brad pitt's body and acting is.
- stripey pyjamas, feeling uncomfortable but nice in a way that i can't explain, being force fed yogurt and muesli and the inevitably awkward moments after. was shown some source materials for the 30,000 word thesis which i actually thought was pretty interesting.
- feeling completely disgusting and unhygienic in uni today! note to self: if uncertainty arises, WASH HAIR.
- cooked terrible pasta, watched an amazing set from Stereophonics with the sammich.

cold, cold, cold. and there was so much potential last week london :(

battered

2010-03-08T23:02:00.001Z

it's still my favourite shirt to sleep in.
and that ring's still something i wear.
why?
i guess they all prove something that's to the contrary.

i still miss it all. everything. including him. especially him? i knew he loved me. i don't know if this means i still feel something for him. fact is that my heart was broken, and i'm out of crunchy nut.

pondering a trait

2010-03-07T23:40:00.004Z

i think i might be getting some semblance of an ass back. i actually have some shape going on back there!

midnight search: someone who thinks that being jealous/petty/insecure a waste of human feelings. aren't there much better ways to channel all that energy? like, to being ridiculously excited at the prospect of summer dresses and 50's style hairbands?

my birthday is going to be *so* awesome.

pout

2010-03-07T22:25:00.002Z

i'm not too bothered. sure it would've been nice to, but between dangling carrots and doing it outright on my own initiative? no thanks. what exactly do i gain from it anyway?

it's not a sinkhole, it's a puddle and i've gotten my feet wet. big deal. we all just want something extra to look forward to. it's not like i'm particularly disappointed. it would've just been nice.

anticlimatic is a word

2010-03-07T22:23:00.000Z

i still remember the look i got when i said that.

"it's the opposite of climax."

"are you sure? i've honestly never heard it."

"yes"

randomest conversation ever.

anyway, today was pretty dull compared to yesterday (i mean, i covered holborn, russell square, regent's park, nottinghill and angel yesterday; that's quite a feat) since i spent most of the sunshine cooped up in the library and moping away at how much shit i have to do. i only got going 3 hours in though, that's after a nice cup of pretentious sounding coffee that costs a bad-day pretty underwear.

was slightly frustrated that my new eye candy was sitting behind me as opposed to in front of me. he has the nicest smile, and he looks really fidgety. not the cutest i have to admit, but he seems nice. why do i keep fancying the weird types?

"yeah there's this cute guy in the libr-"

"don't trust your taste nis, don't bother."

"oh."

well you can't have all the girls falling for the heart throb types. what's to happen to the poor fellows with the glasses and the crooked smiles?

my taste isn't bad, it's just something i've adapted to while growing up as a fat ugly kid. you sort of take what you get, and i've been lucky enough to end up with the nice ones.

much love to vinny for following me last night <3

greekish

2010-03-07T02:01:00.002Z

today:

zumba with some lovelay ladies

house hunting and rabbit and turtles with the housemates

feeding ducks with Sam. with a shitload of sliced white bread

dinner with Saarvin at the awesomest Italian place ever in Nottinghill

high holborn with some more lovely ladies

ended up in Angel in a Greek tavern and did some can cans and kicks

laughing at a bus stop and finding everything (including a late bus) amusing

one of the bizarrest, yet funnest Saturday ever. if i keep this up, my weekends will be kinda awesome.

2010-03-06T09:48:00.001Z

It's hard to describe how I feel. I don't believe that the "right person" is meant to transform you. The "right person" is not going to make you feel love. You have to work for it. Love, or some kind of feeling close to it, is not for the lazy.

Lulu.

don't;

2010-02-27T23:48:00.004Z

this is what i learned the past few hours:

you're only sorry when faced with the consequences of your actions

what makes me happy: sunny days and a friend. i've realised that hey, i may not have that many but i have a few for keeps

history isn't something you can erase, but it's something you can disclose and move on from

lady gaga is amazingly talented (though a little bizarre in an incredibly cool way), and i from this day forth will be her defender. her show was fantastic

some men may follow me, but you choose death and company

and imperial night was amazing.

can't wait for the show on monday!!

tainted

2010-02-26T01:05:00.002Z

this is what lying does.

everytime i think of slow dances in the park at night with the moon shining above, it's immediately followed by this very simple equation

30/25

and i start feeling sick, hurt, a bit of anger and a little confusion. they say only you can tell the kind of person you're with, no one else. and for awhile there i thought i really knew. then it all came down in this confetti of intense reality and i ask myself: really? considering the kind of backdrop this all happened, i'm actually surprised?

i don't dispose of memories, i actually quite cherish them. few weeks on and i still look back quite fondly, though they are seriously scarred by some uneasy confession disguised as a point. it's in the past, so i should let it go, and i would've. but a lie's a lie. just like how my lies are lies.

anyway.

week has been absolutely amazing; rouge on tuesday night, the lovelies wednesday ever (woke up late and hung out with the flatmates, watched Misanthrope (Knightley's in it!!) and had dinner with Lizzums, SY and vinny) and a semi decent thursday. has been very wet and cold in London, really hoping the weather clears up soon. darndest thing; on the studying front i'm really up to date with macro and finance, but i haven't touched a thing of accounting. eep.

am going for Lady Gaga and crush tomorrow night, competition of saturday and a full dress dance rehearsal on sunday. am i maximising my uni time yet? you bet.

showtime's on Monday, with a glam party at 24 afterwards. yay!

wishing you the greatest weekend;

nis xx

ugh

2010-02-22T13:12:00.003Z

jesus. pregnant women are so unattractive. god; please find me a surrogate for all my future children.

obsessed

2010-02-20T22:56:00.002Z

And you said

It was like fire around the brim

Burning solid
Burning thin the burning rim
Like stars burning holes right through the dark
Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes
You were one inch from the edge of this bed
I drag you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead
They couldn't think of something to say the day you burst
With all their lions and all their might and all their thirst
They crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin
Against the walls against your rules against your skin
My beard grew down to the floor and out through the doors
Of your eyes but go in disguise like a sleepyhead, sleepyhead

Go ahead

congrats to my fellow lse dance competition girlies! 1st place for contemp (sleepyhead = BEST EVER DANCE) and 3rd place for jazz, not a bad feat for first timers :)

had loadsss of fun with the girls and watching all the other unis compete today - it's bizarre watching this level of dance ability in academic universities. all those repressed creative thoughts ey?

no worries jazz ladies, better luck next year! at least we know what to expect now.

2010-02-19T16:36:00.001Z

for a split second there i panicked. could it really happen? parading in front of me? i actually ducked into the alley in front of the library, took a quick breath and counted to 3 in Spanish, Malay, German and any languages that came to mind.

a second look told me otherwise, but man. that was a good scare. i mean, i'm not hoping for fantasyland happiness, but it would've been a cruel. and a big blow to my fragile ego.

short note

2010-02-17T00:38:00.004Z

i am fragile; a skinny twig you step on when you're walking to class; a fortress of distrust. this is me reconstructing my walls, and when they're back up, nothing stands a chance. it will be a facade of sunny smiles and warm disposition.

i am forgiving, and i don't forget. i am, however, patient. it's best to tell me than to let me find out by myself.

consider this your warning.

and also, kamal;

don't go away.

Beach

2010-02-15T23:44:00.002Z

I got worried

With shaky hands

So we said the words that we kept

For worrying times

I was on my way, I swear

But I lost my way somewhere

And the trees were glistening

fare thee well

2010-02-12T20:43:00.002Z

Munich is gorgeous. snow everywhere, inches and inches of glorious white fluff. it feels like a fairytale, everyone seems to hate it but the charm is overwhelming. i should have a long black coat with a tall hat. and a cane.

on my way now to my aunt's place in Bodelshausen, still on the German superfast, super efficient public transport. to my slight amusement i find that i can understand German well enough to know what exactly they want from me. guess it's.. my.. aunt's genetics?

been having some issues in the background, which i've had a good thought about in the long rides. my conclusion is fairly simple: i'm pretty much making a mountain out of a molehill. i've said some hurtful things and thrown around some accusations, and i actually feel worst than ever. i guess i'm still sensitive of what he thinks of me, so i get defensive when he called me all those things.

and you know what? i should stop it. before i damage things even more.

so here's my apology, for all my shortcomings and flaws and the irrepairable damage i've done to our relationship. on some fundamental level, i've always felt like i didn't deserve you. you were much too good for someone like me, with my kind of complex. i've been wary and suspicious of anyone who's tried to get pass a certain point, it just proves that a relationship still remains far too invasive for me.

you're right, timing is everything and ours is just so, so off. add distance, someone like me, your unwavering stability and support, and my fear of conflict and we're just doomed to fail. we did try our hardest, its just not right at this moment.

i love you, i really do. that hasn't changed in spite of what i did and what you've told me. i said so many stupid things because i wanted to hurt you, because your opinion of me, what you told me of your past hurt and confused me so much. there's a reason why i didn't tell you, because i didn't want you to go away. i was selfish and inconsiderate and you have all the right in the world to be done with me.

you're my first love, i hold a special place in my heart for you. i'll keep holding on to you until the time comes for us to close this chapter. in mutual terms.

so i wish you good luck and all the happiness in the world. in a few years if i can summon my courage, i'll come and see you again. i'll keep looking for whatever it is i'm looking for and get to your stage. you know what you want. i just don't.

like the chocolate

2010-01-29T11:18:00.001Z

The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. The time breezes by. That's like a picnic, isn't it?

- Murakami.

counting down to midnight

2010-01-26T23:37:00.002Z

so that i can finally hear your voice. what else can relax me from the stresses of the day?

hello

2010-01-25T12:09:00.001Z

you don't have to ask other people. i'm fine, i'm happier than last week, and for the first time since i've started uni my head is fully in london. not half in holborn, and quarter in kuala lumpur and subang jaya. i've actually been feeling lighter than ever. i still love you, but i don't want to be trapped into feeling responsible. not yet.

just realised

2010-01-22T09:14:00.002Z

when i'm happy, i write a lot less than when i'm feeling down. oh dear. has writing become my emo outlet??? not that i mind really, but hmmm

anyway, brief week recap because this has been the most hectic week i can remember:

monday: classes, library, JOHN MAYER GIG! which was awesome, even though we were on the circle at the very back. he's a wanker, but he looks good when he plays.

tuesday: classes! actually, a lecture and a class. then the jazz dance, a long time at the library semi-organising a night out. at about 5.30 (critical time), my phone died so i dashed to Passfield and barged into Sam's room (sorry! again!), watched South Park while waiting for my sorry little phone to charge up, then went back to LSE to study for like 20 mins. then ballet dance. then went out to Koko. Awesome.

wednesday: nothing. library at noon, slept at 9.30pm. i am an old, old woman.

thursday: classessss. heavy day at the library in Holborn.

so here i am. am going to buzz off to class soonish. will write better over the weekend, lots to discuss!

xoxo nis.

and scared

2010-01-14T00:25:00.001Z

and what if the missing never stops?

lost

2010-01-13T23:41:00.001Z

i feel like a vacuum's sucked out my chest and the most horrible throb's started in my ribs. i can't define whether or not it's some part of my heart missing, or my heart's gone so heavy it's started leaning on my ribcage. either way, i feel like i've made the most horrible mistake and have absolutely no clue how to get back to who i was pre-Nash. does that person exist anymore? should she? i think he's taken me to such heights that i can't begin to imagine myself ever going back to normal.

no, you really can't win. or at least i can't. i either go with my heart and hurt, or go with ny head and hurt. what happens to me now?

orange juice and cereal

2010-01-11T21:00:00.003Z

i am

a mass of paradoxes
incredibly happy with what i have and i still want more
unhappy with what i have but unwilling to give it up
i love you
and i want to keep you, like a cat
i keep next to me to keep me warm and fuzzy
and loved
but when you sleep you scratch
my heart without you knowing
i know you have no control over it
but it still hurts aches throbs
like a sprained ankle
hurt me because i have weak ankles
from a dance accident when i was 11
i can't wear wrong shoes when i run
because it collapses under me
like a bridge
i tried to build to make it seem
like everything we have is enough
and it is
only when i'm next to you
holding your hand and whispering
bittersweet meaningful somethings
making promises for
the future that we can't grasp or
see because we're too young and naive
and idealistic
sometimes i feel like you love me too much
to see who exactly i really am
someone who doesn't deserve you
because i'm impatient
because i want you now

not in 2.5 years
and nothing else will do.

i'm sorry.

vapour trail

2010-01-10T21:25:00.003Z

all i need is a moment's grace
so i just got to see your face
pull my head between my knees
the earth might crack
the sky might freeze
that's all i'm asking for

sometimes you come to a crossroad and you figure it out and hope for the best. me? i wait for a vapour trail or a firefly, Zeus sending a lightning bolt down, or anything really, to give me a sign.

slowdown update

2009-12-17T01:55:00.003Z

there is a cat curled beside my feet. how do i know i'm finally home? when something warm, fat and furry is nudging my toes for a stroke.

holidays have been better than expected, especially so when i found out that it's freaking snowing in London. many fun times ensued. also, i got a sort of pseudo-schoolgirl fringe which i'm trying to keep under control as to not look like a shaggy puppy. didn't dye back my hair dark (*groan*) a decision i'm most probably regretting in March 2010 but have gotten a cleaner, neater haircut instead as to not look wiiiiild and crazy.

bought the 2 slouchiest tee evar and some benefit makeup stuff. ballet classes hasn't gone as planned because everything's pretty much closed for christmas, but aerobics has been ace and my body feels like good crap for it. it screams fuck you everytime i wake up in the morning. am going to choreograph a jazz piece for ooh la la (goldfrapp) sometime in this week, probably after i get my nasi lemak fix. mmm.

finality

2009-12-10T14:17:00.002Z

is in the moments of should be happiness, you kiss with tears in your eyes thinking if something's going wrong.

feels like 1st week of a 5 week holiday.

2009-12-08T23:00:00.001Z

shopped for sy's sexy little nightie, a headband for the horrible morning nest growing on my head, a 4 pound skirt for that chic high waisted look and 20 pounds worth of chocolates. i'm getting ready to pack my stuff to go home, i'm pretty done with it but i'm sure there's some last minute packing to be done. am currently in malam bakti rehearsal, kinda boring and plot that begs for water. gonna go home and do my checklist.

went ice skating today, twas beautiful and calming and full of pretty lights. it was a bit crowded but still fun nonetheless. sometimes when i whizz in the wind i get a light, detached feeling like i'm not attached to my body and i feel like i can float away from all the ice, the cold and the million little issues that drags me down.

rachel ngai

2009-12-08T12:09:00.003Z

have just woken up, missed a class and a lecture (gasP!) and have the worst morning hair ever. i'm determined to finish up all 5 hours of econ lecture, so maybe i'll finish 3 today and 2 tomorrow. i will not be defeated!

lucky me

2009-12-08T01:53:00.001Z

just got a lapdance from my 2 favourite girls in the dodgiest student event ever.

let the music play

2009-12-07T15:39:00.000Z

i need something i can dance to, on and on spin my world like a record now, on and on i need something i can turn to

no belly over tights because i didn't wear them under ny outfit today. just as well because ballet got cancelled (SOB) due to a boiler malfunction in the studio building. tbh i don't see why we can't still dance, once you start dancing it gets a little sweaty (a lot) so we'll warm up.. eventually.

y millo may be a management accounting expert but he's dull and his shiny head is distracting..

plus side is that i actually might go home at a decent hour tonight! maybe. might hang around the library and do some work. maybe not.

hawaii

2009-12-06T23:14:00.000Z

And what's right beyond doubt
Things just didn't pan out
It's a movie set
It's a world constructed
I can't go without you
I know I got to have you
Have you met someone?
Have you touched the bottom?

zero sum game

2009-12-06T22:15:00.005Z

i'm trying to find a plateau where i think i can be both happy and satisfied with whatever i have even though i don't really actually have things that makes me happy or satisfied. i don't think i really want much, i just want really basic things like be able to not watch a movie alone, not walk absently and mindlessly alone and not having to think 8 hours ahead. then again, considering the circumstances, what i really want is pretty much what i can never really get. and does that make me selfish? i don't think i'd want an answer really, i think i already know.

sunday is

2009-12-06T11:06:00.002Z

waking up to a roomful of sunshine.
having to clean out my awful, disgusting room (can you say piling clothes on the couch and dirty laundry? really? so can i!)
thinking, thinking, thinking.
forcing myself to do work.
chores :(:(
taking out my suitcase to pack <3
feeling a bit unhappy and confused.**

**contrary to my newly declared blog layout, i think i'll probably take some time to discuss the above. have been thinking a lot about feelings and ticking time bombs, and it's gotten so muddled i should probably find a proper channel of release before i drive myself insane. who do i have to blame for this? myself. as usual.

further explanation

2009-12-06T03:00:00.001Z

this might also have something to do with having bloglite on my iphone (blogging with a handheld device, delightful!) which helps me fill in stuff during tube rides and boring music. plus tumblr looks horrible.

pim is intriguing and has incredible hair. i'm a little fascinated. bad nis?

revamp

2009-12-06T02:51:00.002Z

i've decided to do a bit of tweaking.

since i obviously am too lazy to maintain a blog about my life, i've decided to convert the long, often emo, sometimes contemplative posts to short snippets about what's currently on in my life. why? partly because i don't feel like explaining myself anymore; for some reason my couldron of emotions have gotten so complicated i'm finding it hard to put it down to words.

it may be a bitch to read 3 liners on separate pages, so i'm going to pile on a few more posts on a page to contribute to the snippety-ness. just for fun.

and random people find me a lot on this blog. hi!

look at how we aged.

2009-12-04T20:26:00.005Z

one of the things that's always bothered me is how i can never seem to fit the time i'm in with the state i'm in. i've mostly felt a lot younger than i am (not to say that i'm incredibly old or anything..), being around the same sort of friends made me feel like i never really grew up and uni mostly feels like another schooling phase that isn't really much different from all the other years. the tag that comes with 20 usually entails lots of life experiences, lots of difficult situations to be in, lots of growing up to be done.. and i still feel 14.

oh clare

2009-12-04T10:56:00.000Z

am currently slightly enraged about Clare being released and I wasn't passed any articles to be edited? wtf is up with the copy team? grr.